| one deep breath many Sighs of relief. |
[07 Jul 2009|10:30pm] |
As of 8:45 am local time mom has been breathing asisted only by a flow of medical grade oxygen(just like she uses at home). i sat with her for 7 hours telling her about my life, asking her about hers and complaining passively about Lew, my brother. she is not ready for me to go home. i make her feel better and less afraid. it is hard seeing her scared of everything. though not as hard as wondering if i will ever hear her voice again. she has been eating on her own or really with me feeding her. they are easing her into walking. she is doing well and barring any complications she will be moved to a regular hospital room tommorow, probably before we get there.
it is interesting learing about myself by watching Lew. he has some of my worst traits exagerated far more than i would for an example. (for those of you that know me you know what i mean)All of it is with the best intentions. details removed these are real examples.
Lew shouts at mom "do you want this...you want that ... how bout that. ill just do this."
he's tring to be helpful but not stopping to be informed about what would be actualy helpful. he just does whatever he thinks will be helpful.
i was similar to this. i'm sure in some way i am still.
then when the other person gets upset because he didn't listen and kinda did whatever he gets his feelings hurt "they didn't have to be such a ######## i was just tryin to help. cant they see that"
i don't think i can help him but seeing it shows me a few things about myself.
i am egaer to help.
i don't always know the best way.
helping in your own way is rarely helpful.
active listening is a must in any relationship i am in.
some people don't want to be helped the way i think they need it.
also i have a lead on a leather working apprenticeship. wish me luck.
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| from left to right |
[03 Jul 2009|06:59pm] |
My mother is in ICU at Raleigh NC 's rex hospital. she has been on a breathing machine since tuesday and efforts to ween her off it have been unsuccessful. here lungs are at about 30% volume capacity and her normal blood oxygen level is at 85%. when her blood satureation get much above that her body stops relessing CO2. thiss causes her blood oxygen saturation to drop.
just as a bench mark. normal oxygen saturation is 100. it being below 90% is considered an emergency her normal is about 85.
her blood PH is a little high meaning it is more acidic than is should be. this is because the CO2 is breaking down before it is releassed.
she has been on a breathing machine for 5 days after 8days they staart to worry about the machine causeing complications, also the longer she is on assisted breathing the more the breathing muscles atrophy.
the tubes running into the body cause worry of infection. internal sores and the ballon on the tubes can cause tissue necrosiss in the area.
if she doesn't start breathing on her own by monday they are going to do a trachiostomy. which combats many of the complications of the breathing machine. this is a minor surgery with minamal risk, complicated only a little by what anasthetics might do to her breathing.
If we were to remove her from the machines, the doctor estimates that she may live for a few hours right now. my brother and i are not prepared to have this conversation.
my brother has put alot of time effort and energy, as well as growing up as a person alot to take care of mom so to even have that conversation is an ego crushing blow for him.
and then there is me...
I am the little spot of Blue in an otherwise RED state. I can't speak up and it tears at me. were in the stoneages as far as racial, and sexual preferance tolerance. everyone just bashes everything i support. the only thing possitive is that they are involved and informed i just don't agree.
I'm a heathen/Witch in a land of Thump thump thump on the bible. that i can't feel good about them being informed because of how supersticious they are, and intolerant, and have no intrest in anything other than being right and others being wrong. I can't even hold a convesation about anything that matters.
my brother and i are getting along well enough as long as we avoid certain topics and we are both able to identify them and leave them be.
I love you all. and thank you for your support.
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| Love, Life, Relationship. |
[06 Aug 2008|11:57pm] |
Goal: To have a good relationship with my life and the world around me.
if i live in good relations with my life it will take care of me and feed me.
As i surrender to my own life it syncronizes with what i want.
the trick.
Celebrate!
Say thank you more than I'm sorry.
Act more than you expect.
try to understand and be changed by what others are saying, more than you try to be right.
breath and hold space more than you speak.
don't get upset if others don't understand.
Dance.
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[04 Aug 2008|11:58pm] |
A year ago... I was just starting a new job. The one i still have.
I was in a poly-amorous relationship, which the other two were very long term, they had been together 4 years before i was in the picture. Last february they broke up and parted ways and i am still with half of that couple.
Last year we had just moved into Katie's Condo all three of us. This year we just moved out of katie's condo. moved in with matt and jeff.
last year for my birthday the big deal thing was dave and i going to the coast to see mark and stormy. this year? well see.
last year i was a half a pack a day smoker. trying to pretend i wasn't a smoker by smoking dave's cigarettes. this year i am a non smoker.
last year i was 270lbs. today 218lbs.
last year my only friends were dave stormy and my spiritual community.
there are so many people that i count as friends. thank you!
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[25 Jan 2007|10:15am] |
| You scored as Shamanic Pagan. A shamanic pagan's roots are generally found in Native American faith. A true love and respect for the earth and all that it yields is central to their faith. Wisdom is most often found in spirit guides or totems, who can be animals, ancestors, or spirits. Pagans who follow this path tend to be far more aware of the delicate web that interweaves the lives of every person and thus move within that web accordingly. They're usually deeply insightful, friendly, loving people and excellent friends and parents. Mysterious and strong, as well, they are often the protectors of their friends and family as well as the moral compass for their friends and loved ones.
Shamanic Pagan | | 95% | Egyptian Pantheonic Pagan | | 90% | Greek Pantheonic Pagan | | 90% | Kabbalistic Pagan | | 90% | Eastern Pagan | | 85% | Celtic Pantheonic Pagan | | 80% | Zoroastrian Pagan | | 70% | Ecclectic Pagan | | 70% | Roman Pantheonic Pagan | | 60% | Norse Pantheonic Pagan (Asatru) | | 55% | Sumerian, Babylonian, and Mesopotamian Pagans | | 45% | Catholic (Pagan?) | | 40% | </td>
What kind of Pagan are you?
created with QuizFarm.com |
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| Long year end update. |
[02 Jan 2007|01:13am] |
Well i am in a Open polyamorus relationship with Sally and Adam. Now i know people use these words differantly so i am going to define them and what they mean to me. First Polyamorus: literaly translates to multiple love. that is what i take it to mean, It is just like a loveing commited Monogamus relationship except there are multiple people. Not all members of a Poly relationship must sleep with all others, however all members must be commited to lovingly supporting everry other member of the relationship. everyone loves everyone else. Love doesn't equal sex.
Open when the members of a relationship have an agreement that makes sex, flirting, and developing relationships with (an)other(s) ok. That is right other relationships are not cheating.
Now this is not inherant in the definition but to me and mine honesty is important. Anyone additional in my case needs to know i have commitment somewhere else as well and we will have to work out what kind of commimint we have.
Mostly I am writing this because i am a little afraid of it. There are folks on my friends list that i have crushes on and i didn't want to scare them off,but then if honesty scares them off things were going nowhere any way.
mostly i am posting this because i am working through things that relate directly and i am tired of feeling like i cant use this outlet.
So now one of the over arcing issues i have is the idea that i could find someone on the side and that i would have to tell them what they might hear as, i care about you and want to have sex with you, but i don't care about you as much as these people over here. or you get second place.
next topic
I went to visit my Mom and sister. The drive there was terrible. it was icey the whole way. we went 30 the whole way. we probably should have stoped but then we would have missed christmas. Plus my sister (Who has had a pertty ruff life and has aids) was smoking meth the whole way. Funny i was wondering how we were making a 25 hour drive in one shot with one driver. Now she doesn't get tweeked out, she has neropathy, the stimulant helps the nerves work. she does a little to get the effect she wants and puts it down. This hits me weird because she is using a drug that is BAD in my book, but she is not using it badly. all i can say is it is a thing i choose to be over there and not be a part of our relationship.
Mom had some troubles with Lee her husband and lives with Sis now. She is depressed and upset, and she is on oxygen and pills and inhalers 4 times a day, sits in her room and watches TV. i love her so much and she has degreded physicaly and emotionaly to the point that she is not recognizable as the woman who raised me. but i still love her it just makes me sad, very sad.
And best still
I Quit Smoking. this shit is hard. other than the fact that they are full of shit, i have alot of respect for folks it is easy for. but i Quit i am a non-smoker. i did it a succseded as of then and i quit.
I am really proud of myself so sorry if that was obnoxious.
Love you all
Bright Blessings for a brand new year with wonderful thinngs around the corner.
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[20 Dec 2006|05:40pm] |
well My sister is nearly here to take me to montana to spend the holidays with her and my mom. I am pretty sure i will be back before the 30th. This will be strange the last time i spent chritmas with my mom and sister was in 92. this was the year she was told that she probably only had months to live. Her aids had progressed to the point that she had single digit T-cell count and had stoped nameing them. (it is a common thing for aids patiants with low t-call counts to name them) but she continued her life as though there would be a tomorrow and to this date there has been.
To add to the wierdness for me her boyfriend that she broke up with in 93 is going to be there as well. Now Bill is someone i don't have found memories of. It is not like he was abusive or nasty and hurtful. however he went back and forth between this I am a big guy bravado, and this i am a whiny kid take care of me at the drop of a hat. I don't have memories of me ever feeling favorable about this but it would be hypocritical of me to hold on to an opinion of this person i formed when i was twelve. though it is wierd that he was there last time i had christmas with my sister and he will be this time too. Now i can see the perspective of he was trying and failing to be a balanced person. and you know he has had 14 years out of my sight to practice. Well we have a really long car ride to get to know one another again.
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[13 Dec 2006|04:31am] |
I had another great day. It was difficult Sally was sick and i really needed to get out of the house. so i got my stuff together. then my coven leader called and we had to have a chat about one of her students leaving because(well i am not going into all of it here) they wouldn't engage in trust with people. then they took that moment to engage and ask for help with the things that are in their way. this was awesome to see and made me very happy as i am sure it did all the leadership. Really when we were waiting for the student to show up I thought for a moment what the best case senerio would be and that is what happened.
then i had a nice dinner with kat where we talked really open and honestly about some difficult things and i feel like that all wwent well.
Then i stayed up late talking with one of my oldest friend, Leanne. We talked alot about the proccess of reflection and how to let that actualy make change in your life. she handed me some insit on how to use tangible things that you experiance to approch much larger issues. I handed her tools on how to take your feeling figure what things make you feel that way, then figure how you acted and what you did. then acknowledge that you cant change anyone but you, then figure what you can do diferantly, make apologies for what you did do if you need to and, genraly empower your self to now just have to live with feeling bad and like you can't do anything about it.
On top of that we had a three hour conversation about things like that that wasn't an argument it was a conversation, and a pleasant one at that.
also i get a cookie cause i have been journaling more regular.
well lovelies time for me to turn into a pumpkin, goodnight and wake well.
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[12 Dec 2006|02:12am] |
Well i have actualy been getting some sleep resently. My house has been getting and staying clean. It seems the hearth and home thing is getting lent some extra credibility, as if it needed any. As my home is getting clean and we are actualy working together to keep it that way our relationships with one another are getting clean to. I just finished a long conversation with a roommate that was a student of mine. It was good we pulled up some old stuff and talked well about it. She is having some difficulty with the path we share and we actuly talked about it as friends which was nice. Through this process i have been talking with sally about my communication difficulties and we have been working around them and with them.
all in all things seem to be going well.
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[10 Dec 2006|10:27am] |
Well i got a good night sleep last night. I haven't been sleeping well resently. It was funny, I was startled when i woke up and it was light out. At first it was incomprehencable then i chuckled and reminded myself that that is what happens in the morning.
It has been a while since i updated and put anything down regularly but I think i am ready to again.
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[19 Sep 2006|01:01pm] |
My pirate name is:
Black Roger Bonney
Like anyone confronted with the harshness of robbery on the high seas, you can be pessimistic at times. You can be a little bit unpredictable, but a pirate's life is far from full of certainties, so that fits in pretty well. Arr!
Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.part of the fidius.org network
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[13 Sep 2006|01:14am] |
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I cant help but wonder if this is a day i really will remember for ever. well that is that. H ave a good evening love you all.
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[22 Aug 2006|12:20am] |
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happy birthday sara
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[25 Jul 2006|02:02pm] |
 | You scored as XIII: Death. Death is probably the most well known Tarot card - and also the most misunderstood. Most Tarot novices would consider Death to be a bad card, especially given its connection with the number thirteen. In fact this card rarely indicates literal death.Without "death" there can be no change, only eventual stagnation. The "death" of the child allows for the "birth" of the adult. This change is not always easy. The appearance of Death in a Tarot reading can indicate pain and short term loss, however it also represents hope for a new future.
XIII: Death | | 100% | VIII - Strength | | 94% | II - The High Priestess | | 88% | XIX: The Sun | | 81% | IV - The Emperor | | 75% | 0 - The Fool | | 75% | XVI: The Tower | | 75% | III - The Empress | | 75% | VI: The Lovers | | 69% | I - Magician | | 50% | XV: The Devil | | 44% | X - Wheel of Fortune | | 44% | XI: Justice | | 44% | </td>
Which Major Arcana Tarot Card Are You?
created with QuizFarm.com |
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[13 Jun 2006|08:07pm] |
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kat is home and not in a dangerous condition. it turned out she had a strange form of an intestanal flu and sever dehydration. that is is. all good they gave her an IV and somme morophine. whee
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[09 Jun 2006|01:00pm] |
Monday, June 12
Mission Theater presents T.V.'s
BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER
Episode 1: Welcome to Hellmouth (Premier part 1)
Episode 2: The Harvest (Premier part 2)
Episode 3: Witch
10 p.m. | Free | 21 and over
Check out these weekly showings from Season One of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", which TV Guide named as one of "The 50 Greatest TV Shows of All Time." Have a beer and a burger while rooting for Buffy, Willow, Cordelia, Xander and the gang as they do battle with demons, the un-dead, slayers-gone-bad and other monstrosities.
Mission Theater
1624 N.W. Glisan
Portland, OR 97209
Local: (503) 223-4527
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